Last Thanksgiving, I had an early pregnancy loss. I was seven weeks pregnant.
I had always seen miscarriages on tv portrayed on tv as a very painful, sudden event. The woman wakes up in the middle of the night clutching her stomach, crying because she is losing her baby. For me, it was a week-long, slow process with lots of emotions.
The Monday morning before Thanksgiving I noticed a small amount of spotting. Spotting isn’t unusual during pregnancy, and the amount was so small that it didn’t seem like anything to worry about. By that afternoon, a small amount of spotting turned into a small flow. The nurse on-call at my midwife’s office said this could be normal. She suggested I call back if it picks up or if I notice any clotting or cramping.
The next day, there was a definite increase in flow. But it wasn’t the amount I would have expected to see if it was a miscarriage. I felt confused and concerned. I called my midwife’s office and then went in to get my hCG levels tested on Wednesday. The hCG level is a hormone used to gauge pregnancy levels. I would take a second test two days later to show if the levels are increasing, decreasing or remaining.
The evening after I took my first blood test, I got an alert that my test result was ready. I logged in and saw that according to my the chart attached to my test result, I was “Borderline Pregnant”.
I Googled around trying to understand what this meant. As far as I could tell, I was still pregnant, but just barely. There were multiple things that could happen to my hCG levels drop. I felt so sad, discouraged and tried to remind myself to stay positive. I tried to remember that there could be many factors impacting the test results.
Two days later I took my second hCG blood test. This time my result showed “Not Pregnant”. My midwife called to let me know that my blood test results and symptoms were consistent with an early pregnancy loss. She assured me that there was no indication that I shouldn’t be able to get pregnant again and have a healthy pregnancy. The silver lining in the sad news.
Things that helped me move forward
When my midwife called, it felt like she was confirming what I already realized in my heart. I didn’t feel pregnant anymore and I knew I had lost the baby. This didn’t help me feel any better. But the phone call let me know it was time to grieve and fully accept the reality.
The next day, I got myself up and got dressed in the morning. Taking a shower and getting dressed, helped me get out of the funk of wanting to lay around and feel sad. It made me feel fresher and a little more ready to greet the day.
Exercise helped me to get moving and feel better. For me, there is something about getting my body moving in a great workout that feels like therapy. I did circuit training, running, and yoga. Each exercise session seemed to help me work a little further through my feelings.
Going to work provided a needed distraction. The busier the day, the less downtime and less my mind could wander back to the pregnancy loss.
Reminding myself of all the things I’m thankful for was so important. I reminded myself to be appreciative for what I have in my life today. I am so thankful for my son, Kanoa. There are many couples who are struggling to start their family. It is no small miracle that I have my little 2-year-old boy.
Writing about it helps me to reflect on the experience. And has helped me to share it with others.
You are not alone
Although 10-20% of known pregnancies end in miscarriage, it can feel very isolating when you are going through it yourself. There is a cultural norm to not talk about miscarriage. When you get pregnant you might be warned not to tell others until “it is safe”. This is really unfortunate because talking about the miscarriage helped me to relieve some of my stress and emotions.
I’m so thankful for my husband, my family, and my friends who all were there for me. Talking with them helped me to express my concerns, keep positivity and hope, and to share some of the sadness. I felt connected to the pregnancy even though I was early in my pregnancy and was already thinking 9 months down the road.
I had told quite a few people that I was pregnant as soon as I found out. Telling them that I was no longer pregnant was difficult. However, in that process, I found out that several women I know have had miscarriages. I found comfort in their words and comfort in the connection we shared. I felt sad for their experience and was thankful that they decided to confide in me.
Miscarriage is usually a private event only shared with family and close friends, which is understandable. Talking with others who had been through this has helped me. After I shared my story on my social media account, many people reached out to thank me for sharing or to say that they’ve been there too. I hope as a society we can move away from miscarriage being a taboo subject. I hope sharing my story helps move us in that direction.
Everyone’s situation and experience is different. Everyone’s comfort level with sharing is different. I wanted to share so that if you are going through it you don’t feel as alone and hopefully you’ve found some comfort in that.
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